by Jennifer Matos

If you have ever had an extended stay on the Planet of Lesbian Relationships, chances are you have survived a break up.

If you have experienced a lesbian breakup, you may have also experienced creating paths for which to handle the conclusion of a relationship.  These can be, but certainly not limited to: getting a new haircut, obtaining a new wardrobe, applying to graduate school, joining a gym, starting yoga, judo or tai-chi, driving by her house, calling her while drinking, creating an online dating profile while still worshipping a life-sized cut out of the ex, all at the same time.

Fear not!  You are not alone.

Unlike heterosexual relationships, lesbians have very few role models—during the good times and bad—in whose footsteps to follow.  Yes, there are celebrities like Melissa and Tammy, Rosie and Kelli, Alex and Pam, Daniela and Bitch, among others.  However, other than celebrities, there doesn’t seem to be a blueprint for ending lesbian relationships or having successful ones.  Heterosexuals have the option of divorce to formally end marital unions while they are able to enjoy the support of family and friends.  Divorce is an option to dissolve lesbian marriages only in Massachusetts; it doesn’t exist elsewhere in the United States.  Complicating matters further is the fact that there are lesbians who do not have the benefit of familial support to begin with.

What makes the aspect of lesbian breakups particularly distinctive is the fact that many lesbians choose to maintain friendships afterwards.  A unique arrangement in some lesbian relationships, being friends with an ex can make an already complicated situation even more so.  Lesbian ex-partners can become lunch partners, advice givers, and heavy lifters when an ex needs to move to a new partner’s place of residence.  Meanwhile, there are lesbians who have strict rules about not remaining friends after a breakup, feeling as if it is a “demotion”.

Why is it that lesbians seem to almost instinctively move towards friendships?

According to a “Gay Today” interview with therapist Betty Berzon, author of self-help book Permanent Partners, “It’s about trying to keep a connection with that person, even in a meaningless, negative way.  It’s about not being ready to let go.”  Other therapists that l-word.com spoke to on the subject feel that lesbians keep this connection because of the female socialization to sustain and preserve relationships.  Basically, all are in agreement that one has to do what feels right.  It’s ok to rescue the life-sized cut out from the city dump.

Friends or not, there is no infallible way to survive a breakup.  Perhaps, however, creating an association within the lesbian community can assist in crafting a design for surviving the pitfalls in relationships.