Season 5 / Episode 3 ; Episode: "Lady
of the Lake"
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Episode
Summary
#503: "LADY OF THE LAKE"
I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but I'm a guy reviewing
The
L Word. Yeah...next thing you know they'll be letting guys DJ at The L
Word at Second Life.
"What the Hell are you thinking?" indeed.
Welcome to the Review Of Mass Destruction, which is totally Rawwr Free!
Previously, stuff happened and Shane ran for her life.
Showtime Presents...Alice having a weird dream about herself, Shane and
Helena being the lesbian version of Charlie's Angels. Bette is Charlie
and
Tina is Billie Jean King if she were in an action/adventure series.
Anyway, Jenny's a target and the whole thing's silly. Cute, sexy, but
silly.
The L Word opening, complete with those catchy lyrics for everyone to
sing
in church! And LOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!!!
No guys in the opening...unless you count Max.
We begin this episode of Queer As L with Alice and Tina joining Shane
in
some workout place. Shane's swearing off sex and drama...'course in order
to do that she'd have to be killed off the show. Shane apparently has
more
energy now, 'course it's mostly a matter of her refocusing her energy.
Meanwhile Jenny's working out with Adele, her faithful minion helping
out.
Denise has been dismissed off camera and Tina's all puh puh puh picky
picky
picky... Shane sees Jesus Christ, but really it's just Jenny, proving
that
Shane's becoming delusional.
At the Planet now. Tom thinks Max is so cute. Max is talking with Grace,
who I guess isn't the Land of the Dead Marios after all. However, Grace
appears to be confusing now as she seems to be talking Max into giving
Tom
a try. Tom meanwhile is talking with Jodi. Discussions of sexual
attraction abound as....oooo, next scene.
The locker room as everyone gets dressed and half naked women walk around.
They talk about doing some walk thingy and Shane has the team name for
them. Team Dana! Hey, she's still remembered! Just to annoy Tina, Jenny
thinks that Jodi should be part of the team. Alice makes up some BS about
Tasha not being able to go to Iraq yet.
On to prison, where everyone (thankfully) is fully clothed. See, only
the
ugly people wind up behind bars in The L Word...with Helena being the
obvious exception. Because there always has to be an exception to the
rule. Helena does whatever for Dusty, the American Prison Dream if you
weeeel.
Back at the Planet as Bette tries to get out of going with Jodi to some
camp getaway thing. Cand...er...Jodi refuses to let Bette have her way
and
Bette concedes. Careful what ya wish for, Jodi. The AlShaTin Trio arrive
along and are about to interview Jodi for Alice's podcast. OurChart
pimpage, because this show has no commercial breaks. Max/Grace set things
up for Alice and Tom talks with Max. Awwwwwwwwwwwww, he's got a crush!!!
Photos of women on the website and whatnot..."next!"
Onto the base, where our mainstream storyline proceeds. Tasha is informed
that she needs to be discharged and she wants Beech to represent her
instead of a civilian attorney. We get either help or an eternal screwball
with the L Word Timeline as one of the accusations of homosexual conduct
against Tasha references that time in Season 4 when she and the Group
Of
Friends were at the racetrack, "in March, 2007." Well that oughta
help out
if I ever get back to that project. Another Season 4 moment is referenced
from March, 2007. The L Word timeline gives me a migraine and the people
in charge of the show would do good to set one out for us. 'Cause if we
do
it, we're gonna have a group head explosion.
Old music plays at the Planet as Alice begins the interview with Jodi
and
it's about sex. Jodi doesn't like timid lesbian sex. She also doesn't
want to wind up in a cuddle in bed relationship. Well I'd say she and
Bette and screwed then. We then do sexual sign language. The sign
language for pussy is similar to Diamond Dallas Page's handsign, which
is
hilarious. Guess David Arquette knew what he was talking about. Kit
doesn't wanna hear about what her sister, Bette is doing in bed.
Back to our mainstream storyline as Beech is in pure jerk mode here.
Tasha
never decided to be a lesbian, but did decide to be in the Army. Hey,
in
other countries you probably don't even get that choice of either/or.
Tasha goes over her military history and background. Beech is hoping that
the girl in the parking lot (Alice in Season 4) was a first cousin in
order
to defend her. Tasha's not happy as she leaves. She really is an Army
Of
One.
Max made a podcast, but Alice is too busy to care as she gets a call
(presumably from Tasha).
Jodi drives Bette towards the camp thingy. Guess it's up to Bette to
listen for the sirens and all that. They talk about Jodi's friend,
Michaelangelo. He's into art and is a curator and all that. They're not
having sex though, so nobody cares (and based on feedback, some don't
even
care when Bette/Jodi do THAT either).
Alice/Tasha discuss Tasha's day at work. Beech is now just a, "homophobic
prick," but at least he's not a, "Southern Boy," anymore.
'Sides, he's
nothin' like Steve Armstrong or Tracey Smothers. In order for Tasha to
win
this case, she'll have to lie. Alice offers to disappear or lay low for
a
while, but it's not what Tasha wants. With Papi in the Land of the Dead
Marios, Alice is probably all she's got right now.
It's late at night and Bette/Jodi arrive at the camp late. We get English
subtitles for what Jodi's trying to say, though she still sounds way more
understandable than the Gallagher Brothers.
Prison time as Helena and Dusty work on a puzzle. Dusty has some place
at
an island that's hers. Their bonding is cut short as Helena is let loose
from the prison. Just when she was beginning to like it there. too. Dusty
gives Helena a piece of the puzzle they were putting together, 'cause
symbolism roxxors the soxxors.
Peggy, Helena's mummy has arrived and some prisoner who may or may not
be
Yolanda from Season 1 does some sexual catcallin'. Peggy lets her know
that
if the booty was good enough, she'd give it to her, "family style."
Peggy
Peabody...21st Century Icon.
Peggy and Helena have a not-so-feel good mother-daughter moment. Is
Marilyn still with Peggy? Am I the only one asking this question? Where's
Mark? OH MY GOD THEY'RE DISAPPERING!!!! I blame the Bilderbergers...those
bastards!!! Anyway, Peggy is ready to bring Helena back into the family
fold, with Winnie on her way to post Helena's bail. Helena doesn't wanna
leave, though. Peggy's got a family reputation to uphold and in her own
charming way, lets it be known that the Peabodys are supposed to be above
society. Well, that's rather snobby.
Onto the camp, the next morning as Jodi introduces Bette to her friends.
Michaelangelo is...friendly. They're at Big Bear Lake and they're happy
to
put a face on the, "grunts and groans," from the previous evening.
Bette
feels instantly uncomfortable, but then she didn't wanna be there in the
first place.
Onto Queer As L as Shane talks about going into her closet. Figured she
hadn't been in a closet of any kind since she was 6. Shane's having to
burn off that energy and we learn a new word, thanks to Tina. "Salubrious."
*Pause*
sa-lu-bri-ous [suh-loo-bree-uhs] - adjective - Conducive or favorable
to
health or well-being.
And knowing's half the battle...GGGGGG IIIIIIIIII JJJJJJJOOOOOOOOEE!!!
*Unpause*
Shane checks out a girl with dark brown hair and is most likely horny.
And now our signature scene of the episode as Michaelangelo tries to
encourage Bette to play football with the group. Bette declines, choosing
to read and do workstuff. One of the other guys points out that Bette's
in
violation of the No Work rule. Bette offers to accept her punishment.
FOOLISH MORTAL!!! Michaelangelo offers Bette two options. The Lake or
the
game. Bette chooses a nonapplicable option and she is given her due
punishment. Michaelangelo, with an over the shoulder carry (for those
who
are into that sort of thing...and you know who you are!!!) and Bette is
promptly dumped into the lake quicker than an angry DJ that was replaced
by
a failure at a Second Life island. Bette's none too pleased.
Shane's trying to medidate ('cause it's done wonders for Bette), while
Jenny leaves for a screening, turning down Max's request to check out
her
podcast. Max feels bummed and Shane gives up on meditation.
Shane...because she still has that redeeming quality about her decides
to
help Max out and watch.
Back to the Lake, later that night and all is silent as Bette enters.
Michaelangelo hands Bette some wine. They talk about art and this
establishes Bette as something of an elitist in the Art World with
Michaelangelo wanting Bette to see a community art show of his.
Michaelangelo and Shane should hang out. All that wound up energy, they
could save the whole World and still have time for lunch.
Tina arrives at her date's place. Her date's into art. Her date looks
like Lindsay Peterson. Maybe Melanie Marcus'll show up lookin' for Bette.
The Planet, after it's closed for the evening and Kit's robbed at gunpoint.
See, Foxxy Brown would've beaten these two down and taken THEIR money
just
for bothering her.
Tina and her date proceed with the makin' of the lovin'. Tina's breasts
are complimented. The date's breasts are augmented. But it doesn't
matter, as they get back into the makin' of the lovin'...and then...
PLEASURE VISION!!!
Get the feeling that as it goes from that to this scene with the shot
of
the duck, some thousands of viewers just went,
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" in unison? Bette/Jodi have
to leave
early as Bette was informed of Kit being robbed at gunpoint. It also is
an
opportunity for the constant battle for control between this couple.
Later that evening, Kit spends the night at Bette's on the couch. The
robbers took a whole week's worth of payoff at the Planet...perhaps to
fund
the mad arsonist of West Hollywood!!! Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn...
More old music plays as Alice tries to cuddle with Tasha, but Tasha's
worried about her life being taken away by the Army.
The next day at the Planet and the whole Group Of Friends are all there,
with Helena and Peggy arriving. Peggy's not letting Helena go to trial.
Fella named Brendan Alcott's handling things for the family. Wait, what
happened to Whit? Is he off hangin' out with Duncan MacLeod or something?
Helena doesn't wanna leave for Europe with, "Mummy." Peggy kinda
thumbs
her nose at the friends here. Helena puts over Dusty as being enlightened
and beautiful and such. No one's really in a party mood and Helena's off
to the bathroom. Shane steps out back for a smoke as Alice and Helena
do
the buh-bye hug. Helacious 'shippers everywhere get a glimmer of hope
and
then frown as Helena goes outside.
Shane and Helena share in a smoke. Helena's leaving, but not with Peggy.
She's gonna sneak out back and have Shane cover for her. "Explode"
by Uh
Huh Her (Leisha Hailey's new group) plays here. Helena hid the money
somewhere and now she's gonna go get it, bail Dusty out of prison and
get
the Hell outta Dodge. Shane admires Helena's testicular fortitude. They
do the buh-bye hug and now the moment that shall be interpreted God knows
how many ways occurs as Shane kisses Helena on the lips. Shane apologizes
(I think Helena liked it, heheh). We get one last butt shot of Helena
as
she departs and Shane ponders about what she just did and what it all
means. Shane/Helena? Shelena??? Shanelena????? Helane! *shrug*
It suddenly occurs to me... WHERE WAS PHYLIS? And what does that say
about Phylis--or me--that I didn't notice she was absent until the show
was over?!
And that's that for this episode.
Jeez, what a whirlwind that was, huh?
---
Discuss
the episode and share your thoughts on the rest of Season 5!
Guest Stars:
Holland Taylor
Lucia Rijker
John Pyper-Ferguson
Malaya Rivera Drew
Music
Recap -- Elizabeth Ziff
Swing Out! -- Elizabeth Ziff
Main Title -- BETTY
Beatrocker -- Mad Professor
Games -- Carla Thomas
Between You And Me -- Shirley Brown
Tasha Walk -- Elizabeth Ziff
It Ain't Always What You Do -- Soul Children
Driving -- Elizabeth Ziff
Car Swerves -- Elizabeth Ziff
Car At Lake -- Elizabeth Ziff
Prison Puzzle -- Elizabeth Ziff
Peggy Strut -- Elizabeth Ziff
On My Radio -- The Selector
Crazyface -- Ping Pong Bitches
Bette In Lake -- Elizabeth Ziff
Shane Meditates -- Elizabeth Ziff
Bette Sets Table -- Elizabeth Ziff
Kit Gets Robbed -- Elizabeth Ziff
11:32pm -- Gina Catalino
Driving Home -- Elizabeth Ziff
Long as you love me -- Shirley Brown
Explode -- Uh Huh Her
Previews
Episode 5.04: "LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED"
NON-Spoiler Version
Bette's jealousy over Tina's new girlfriend is the probable cause of
a surprising moment; Jenny is courted for the lead in her movie by the
latest Bond girl; the gang attends the opening of a new lesbian club competing
with The Planet.
SPOILER VERSION:
(below)
While enrolled in a self-defense class with Kit, the gang discusses
plans to attend the opening of SheBar, a rival new lesbian club competing
with The Planet, which is still temporarily closed. Bette hears for the
first time that Tina is dating Brenda, an attractive heart surgeon.
Alice receives a menacing visit from a pair of condescending military
investigators who bully their way into her apartment, searching for signs
of her relationship with Tasha. Alice is left shaken and enraged, inspiring
Tasha to confront her lackluster legal defender Beech, whose reluctance
to get more involved than necessary begins to diminish.
Bette handles a complaint from a student who claims to have been traumatized
by a work of violent performance art in Jodi's classroom, but Jodi dismisses
the charge as overwrought. Meanwhile, she and Bette's romantic relationship
is still strained in the wake of their truncated weekend getaway to the
lake.
Disappointed to be turned down for the lead in "Lez Girls"
by an A-list actress, Jenny nevertheless resists the studio's pressure
to cast a talented unknown, upcoming "Bond girl" Niki Stevens
– but she reconsiders when Niki seeks out Jenny at SheBar and reveals
a little-known personal secret.
While a self-protection-minded Kit shops for a gun, Alice and Tasha attend
a top-secret party thrown by Hollywood power player Barry Burd, whose
hush-hush gatherings are safe havens for those in the closet to let their
hair down.
After days without sexual gratification, Shane begins to show signs of
mental, physical and emotional distress – but an encounter with
the debutante party-girl owners of SheBar may provide the relief she needs.
Meanwhile, in a secluded side-room at SheBar,
former couple Bette and Tina share an illicit kiss…
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