Season 5 / Episode 1 ; Episode: ""LGB
TEASE""
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Episode
Summary
#501: "LGB Tease"
Kace's Episode Review Of Mass Destruction
The L Word - Episode 501 - LGB Tease
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I tell ya, Season 5 couldn't get here soon enough, eh?
We start off with a montage of Season 4 highlights and right away, it's
made clear that Papi is now Mark Wayland in her disappearance from the
show.
Showtime Presents, Jenny writing....Oh God. It's Jenny's take on the
big
party during Pilot in Season 1, with Jenny (as Jesse) being hit on by
Tina
(as Nina). For those keeping score, no that didn't actually happen. One
can only hope that the notion that Jenny is based on Ilene herself is
untrue, 'cause if so then this is a strange way to excorcise your demons.
The familiar opening, with Papi wiped out!
Okay, this is a few weeks later according to what I've read. So Bette's
obviously back from New York, as she and Tina are trying to get Angelica
into some sort of preschool thingy. Little Angie knows sign language,
which is picked up on by the school people in question. As they exit,
they
meet a gay male couple trying to get their son into the same preschool.
One's a Christian, the other's a Muslim and the kid's Jewish. Well, that
oughta cover the bases.
Helena's off to prison! Well, stealing's bad. Bad Helena! Bad, bad
Helena!!! I guess this is one way to give the audience a Prison Girl film.
Meanwhile, at the Planet, Alice, Shane & Phyllis are hanging out,
explaining Helena's absence. Kit's there, looking less and less hip as
the
years progress (a shame, really). Shane departs and Kit (ironically)
refers to Shane as, "not on fire," whenever Shane's around Paige.
Granted,
Kit's not on fire under any circumstances nowadays. Anyway, it's time
for
Alice to record a video podcast with Max directing (remember, Mark poofed
long ago). Alice's guest is Phyllis. "Alice In Lesbo Land,"
is the name
of the podcast for you trivia people out there. The topic is Phyllis
coming out in, "midlife."
Helena's introduced to her prisonmate, who's...ahahahahaha, it's Dana's
trainer from Season 2! Wow, times can get tough when your client dies
on
you.
Back to the Planet, where Phyllis talks about being with Joyce and ranks
sex with Joyce as the, "best ever." Alice's sex with Phyllis
has been
downgraded to Vanilla Status. On camera. Alice, I think I know where you
can do some editing! Alice asks about U-Hauling, as we continue to educate
the non-lesbian audience (so idiots like me can get funny looks when we
say
it in a crowd).
Shane/Paige are apartment hunting and the place they're at now has a
pool.
This looks to be their ideal location as the happy couple is shown the
place by some blonde girl. "Lisa Pezellini says hi." Just a
hunch, but
I'm guessin' that's Lisa from the Pilot. As the guide also mentions
knowing Lacey, along with a bunch of other one night stands and brief
relationships. Paige departs and...yeah, bad feeling...
Back to the Planet and Alice's podcast. They talk about what the, "T,"
in
LGBT means. T means transsexual, of course. Max decided not to get his
top surgery, thus making Peaches proud, wherever she is. Max feels
comfortable as a guy, as is. Max's plight however is off topic for Alice's
chart site. Poor Max. Alice gets a phone call from Tasha, who's preparing
to ship out to Iraq to fight the good fight or whatnot. They talk for
a
moment and upon hanging up, Alice is all sad and weepy.
Bette & Tina arrive at the Planet. Jenny sent Kit a postcard and
we're
informed that Kate's been marched off into the Land Of The Dead Marios
(along with Papi). Kit then informs Bette (and the viewer) that Angus
is
also off into the Land Of The Dead Marios. Christ, this Character
Wasteland!
Paige shows Jared the apartment. Paige opens the door to what's supposed
to be Jared's bedroom, but instead sees Shane gettin' it on with the blonde
lady.
*Pause*
Am I mistaken, or did the writers just wipe out four years worth of
character development with Shane right there? Seriously, someone go to
Vancouver and break that Reset Button of theirs.
*Unpause*
Paige storms off with Jared.
Tina arrives for her board meeting and Jenny's there, talking with William
and Aaron. Tina is now the odd girl out in this group. Jenny has
rewritten the script and her vindictive streak's really starting to show.
Jenny's absence is explained (more or less). Jenny's also now going to
direct the Lez Girls film. Sounder II is brought in by Jenny's assistant,
Marissa and....you know, I'll say this much. Mia Kirshner should get a
raise for taking the Tonya Annoyance Level and raising the standard on
it.
Phyllis/Joyce are in afterglow mode. They talk about Phyllis's coming
out
party for the next day.
Shane's at home, drinking a beer, kickin' back, chillin' y'know. Bette
arrives and checks on her. Jenny arrives home and Bette's ready to go.
Shane, in the uncomfortable (and for me, very familiar) position of being
the friend in the middle. Shane reintroduces Jenny to Bette in the hopes
of things starting fresh between them. Jenny and Bette appear to have
tension (the Battle Of Ilene's Mind!!! Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn!!!).
Jenny talks to Marissa on the phone about all the things she needs her
to
do. Tina drops in and for the sake of keeping her job, attempts a kiss
and
makeup (so to speak), while also hoping for some rewrites on the rewrite.
Jenny dismisses Tina. You know, Jenny has the Tonya Annoyance Level, but
without any redeeming value behind her. At this point, Gomey almost has
more redeeming value than this character. Jenny's kinda like the Common
Demoninator of this group.
Back in prison, Helena can't stand the food. Dana's former trainer however
has no problem eating it.
And now a cookie for the TiBetters watching, as we interrupt their FanFic
reading for this scene. Tina's in the pool and undoes her top while laying
out. Bette notices and finds it distracting in that arousing sorta way.
Bette asks about Kate being fired (Kate's been mentiond in this show twice,
while Papi hasn't been mentioned at all, unless I missed it). Kate's back
in New York and whether or not Tina & Kate hooked up is a vague mystery.
Bette asks if Tina's doing anything for sex and that's off limits for
Tina.
"You know, it's not like I didn't go months at a time without sex
when we
were together."
ZINGER OF THE YEAR!!!! Tina Kennard, ladies and gentlemen! Bette's
response as Tina leaves is a simple, "ouch," with a smirk. Indeed.
Back to prison as Alice, Shane & Tina arrive for a visit. Shane hits
on
some of the prisoners while on their way to say hi (again, four years
of
development gone!).
The three ladies sit down with Helena and try to figure out how to deal
with her bail situation and Helena, "stealing," Catherine's
money. Alice
looks like she wants some yogurt. Helena won't say where she put the
money. They advise Helena not to drop the soap.
The Planet at night and it's Phyllis's coming out party.
Shane arrives at Alice's as Alice isn't in the mood to party as she watches
the news about the invasion of Iraq still in progress.
Back to the Planet as Alice & Shane are there, with Tina. Tina's
looking
at Bette, but..."not looking at Bette." They spot a girl and
Shane decides
to say hi to whoever on Tina's behalf. Jenny's there with Marissa and
once
again, Jenny gives Marissa a hard time. I get the feeling Jenny's going
to
test my faith as a fan of this show this year, heheheh. Marissa quits,
thus earning her Character Of The Episode. We're introduced to Camilla,
Samantha, Megan and Andrea. Shane focuses on Andrea (again on Tina's
behalf). Shane wows her and tries to send her towards Tina...but Andrea
only has interest in Shane. Good job, everyone.
Andrea has a girlfriend, according to Shane so it's a no-go. Paige arrives
for the final resolution. Shane makes absolutely no sense here and Paige
walks off (presumable into the Land Of The Dead Marios where Painkiller
Jane can roam free).
Jodi arrives at the party and makes with the nice nice with Bette. Jenny
Vs. Tina looks to be our big rivalry for Season 5. Jodi's reintroduced
to
the crowd. Phyllis arrives and now wants to date around, not looking to
be
with Joyce in the longterm. While Phyllis rants, Tina looks on at
Bette/Jodi and...heheh. Tension!
Bette/Jodi arrive home and Jodi makes it clear that Bette is not going
to
control the relationship. She is! And so she begins said control by
blindfolding Bette and they have storytime together (if you watched Season
4, you know what I mean by that). Jodi's going Candace on her, too. Nice.
...As TiBetters go back to their FanFic reading.
While Bette/Jodi heat things up, the Wax literally heats up into flames.
Arson is suspected, but Shane doesn't name names, deciding not to file
a
report. Welp, there goes the business and it appears Marta's gonna have
to
get another job for sure now.
Finally, we're at Alice's where Alice has a surprise visitor in Tasha.
Alice asks if Tasha's gone AWOL, but doesn't get an answer. They do
however proceed with the makin' of the lovin' as we go to credits. With
Alice's glasses on, I was almost expecting Lara. But that would be giving
me, the viewer what I want and we need Jenny instead.
---
Overall, it was entertaining and after about nine or so months of waiting,
the expectations were obviously going to be too high. But this episode
was
the wasteland special, with Papi, Paige, Kate and Angus all going bye
bye,
with Paige at least getting an on-camera departure, while Papi became
nonexistant. And while all of them are gone, Lara's still presumable in
San Francisco and Dana's dead, Jenny persists. "This is the life,"
indeed
as the tagline goes for Season 5 as life just ain't fair. But!!! I was
still entertained and that's all I can ask for at this point. Now let's
see what happens with the rest of the Season.
Discuss
the episode and share your thoughts on the rest of Season 5!
Guest Stars:
Cybill Shepherd
Kristanna Loken
Jane Lynch
Lucia Rijker
Wallace Shaun
Music
1- Swing Out Elizabeth Ziff
2- Main Title BETTY
3- Listen Up (A Touch Of Class Mix) Gossip
4- Let's Give Our Love A Try Mae Young
5- Prison Walk - Helen Elizabeth Ziff
6- Temptaions Margie Jospeh
7- Thrills And Chills Helen Smith
8- I'm Afraid Of Losing You Betty Everett
9- It's Already Rented BI Elizabeth Ziff
10- The Devil is a Woman Ada Moore
11- Swing Out Elizabeth Ziff
12- Prison Food Elizabeth Ziff
13- Tina Takes Top Off Elizabeth Ziff
14- Prison Walk 2 Elizabeth Ziff
15- Candy CC Martini
16- Sugar Jessy Moss
17- Dr. Jackle Miles Davis
18- Going Down Bomber
19- Kiss Me While I'm Starving The Heart throbs
Previews
Episode 5.02: "LOOK OUT, HERE THEY COME!"
NON-Spoiler Version
Tina's obvious, lingering affection for Bette affects her dating prospects;
Shane's last-minute gig styling hair at a wedding results in a comic series
of erotic encounters; Tasha reveals her reason for not shipping out to
Iraq: she's being investigated for "homosexual conduct."
SPOILER VERSION:
(below)
Synopsis: Shane accepts a last-minute gig as a wedding hair stylist for
the wealthy family of Jenny and Tina's producer William Halsey, and finds
herself literally up to her ears in illicit sex with the bridesmaids –
and even the mother of the bride. But she's soon dodging the clingiest
of her lovers, advising the distraught, reluctant bride to go through
with the ceremony, and fleeing for her life when her paramours figure
out that she's been double and triple-timing them.
Meanwhile, Shane's friend speculate about the burning of WAX, which everyone
attributes to Paige. And an attempt at a love connection ends in disappointment
for Tina, who can't manage to disguise her lingering attraction to and
love for Bette. When Bette shows up at The Planet with Jodi, her appearance
puts an end to Tina's increasingly awkward first (and last) date.
Tasha's solicitation of legal advice from a colleague on base reveals
the truth about why she wasn't deployed to Iraq – she's being investigated
by the military for suspected homosexual conduct. And it's quickly clear
that even old friends won't be willing to defend her. Alice struggles
to accept Tasha's desire to remain in the service and lie about her true
nature.
Adele, an eccentric new hipster patron of The Planet and a recent émigré
from Florida, turns out to be Jenny's number one literary fan and quickly
lands herself the job of the writer's new, disturbingly devoted assistant.
Determined to date other people and not make the same mistakes she did
during her long and unhappy marriage, Phyllis breaks up with Joyce, who
doesn’t take the news well.
When she is viciously attacked by a gang in the prison shower, Helena
is rescued by her hulking, reticent cell mate Dusty, and the two are soon
bonding over vintage movie stars – as well as Dusty's muscular physique.
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