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by Kace Left Hand Of The Goddess Episode Review Of Mass Destruction by Kace Evers All hopes for forgiveness in advance as this may not be pretty. My style of review may be a bit different from what you're used to, I don't know. So sit back and be entertained as I do my best to guide you through the Season 3 Finale of The L Word! We get the usual "previously" package that's filled with stuff from previous episodes. Alice and Lara give us the final Random Act of Season 3 with Alice dosing on Dana's pills. Lara drops in and there's no real conversation, just down n' dirty with grief makin' with the lovin'. I'm intrigued, aroused and disturbed all at the same time. Everyone sing along to The L Word Theme for possibly the final time, assuming BETTY's not around for Season 4, which may or may not be the case. I don't care what anyone says, the theme's catchy. It's after hours at the Planet "six weeks later" as it's revealed that Helena's funding the whole Shane & Carmen Wedding. Alice and Jenny bring up that Shane's headed to Oregon City to meet her doner...er....father, Gabriel. Alice goes to leave and Bette checks to see if she's okay. A nice feel good hug reminds us that hey, the bonds of friendship are still strong. The next day...or some day later, Carmen's going through dresses with Alice, Jenny, Helena and Bette there to help her out. Helena doesn't want something mentioned to Carmen. Oregon City we go, as Shane meets Eric Roberts!!! Eric here portrays Gabriel the Negligent Father Guy. They play catch up on each others' lives and Shane discovers where she got some of her brutal honesty and promiscuous behaviour from. Like Father Like Daughter? Looks like it. Both were thinking of ditching at the last minute. Back to Carmen's wedding dress tryouts as Jenny sarcastically goes over her wedding night detail. Good thing she left out that part where earleir in the day she was caught cheating...but oh yeah, nothing's Jenny's fault 'cause she's a victim. Next up, some verbal jabs at Tina's expense as she's not there to defend herself. Nice. Back to Oregon City where Gabriel and Shane talk. More familiarity as Gabriel talks about losing a close friend, something Shane's gone through recently with Dana's unfortunate death. Gabriel has a son named Shay, as opposed to Shane which is what he named his daughter. At the Planet now as Bette and Joyce go over battleplans for the Bette & Tina War. War of the Portards!!!! Bette mentions that she's probably going to take the Art College Dean job. Kit shows up to interrupt and she's worried. In the Legendary Infamous Planet Bathroom as Kit reveals that in spite of menopause, she's pregnant and she took quite a few home tests to make sure. Jenny and Max talk with boring people that Max works with. One of the others notice it and try to be cordial. But because Jenny's such an attention whore when the opportunity presents itself, she takes the time to talk about masturbating when she was 12. To be honest if I were part of that conversation, I'd consider that a helluvan icebreaker and would probably want her to go more into detail. Then again, I'm not all that boring I guess. Back to Oregon City a little later in the evening as the Family MacCutcheon gather together to talk over dinner. Mrs. MacCutcheon seems friendly enough. Shane mentions getting married "next week." Bad hints are thrown, mentioning how long it took for Gabe to settle down. Shane tells them she's marrying a female DJ. Apparently Mrs. MacCutcheon called that shot ahead of time so point for her. They seem supportive, at least so good for them. Shane invites them to the wedding. On to KCRW where Alice still has a job, but has been moved to a nightshift when only the stoners, drunks and lonely are listening. Trust me, it's true. Alice goes on a nice rant about gay weddings and the hypocrisy of the "Pro-Family" movement. As she talks, time is fastforwarded a bit as we head to Canada where right away, it's made clear that Canada = COLD!!!!! The Group Of Friends arrive at the ski resort hotel thingamagig and discover Carmen's Family, much to the surprise of Carmen. Peggy's there and Peggy makes a nice hint during this feel good Kodak Hallmark Moment that it's not so much Helena funding this baby as it is Peggy. "I guess it grows on trees." Ahahahaha!!!! Peggy rules. Quite the turnaround, I mean Carmen's family was steadfast against Carmen being gay and now they're all for her getting married to another woman. I don't know what Helena told them, but I'm sure everyone would love to know! Max goes skiing and Jenny makes nice with some French or French Canadian skinny 1970's pornstar lookin' gal. I'd like to go over the details, but it's Jenny and quite frankly I don't care. Long story short, it's a talk about sex. Yay...another victim for the albatross to drag under!!! Jenny and...whoever she is smoke cigarettes, discuss writing and have sex. One thing I like Mia Kirschner is that she goes all out no matter what. I commend her for that. Considering Jenny's track record however, one would think that the French lady's headed for the eventual Land Of The Dead Marios like just about everyone else Jenny's been with. Bette, Tina and Angelica finish up a sleigh ride in the snow. Bette goes for a quick guilt trip line about missing Angelica's first step. EVIL!!! EVIL SHE IS, I SAY!!!! Bette and Tina are getting along for the most part at least and that's not a bad thing...(pause, big DDP smile)...that's a good thing! Time for dinner at the hotel/ski resort dinner. The Group Of Friends are all there except for Carmen. Carmen's been swept away by her family 'cause of tradition about not seeing who you're marrying and all that. Meanwhile, Kit breaks the news to Angus that she's pregnant. Angus is happy, but Kit isn't. So Angus, ever the supportive fella he is makes it clear that he's there for her, whether she decides to abort or give birth. I think Max could learn a thing or 2 from Angus. Alice and Jenny give some roastlike thank you's to Shane. Jenny didn't like having her hair short after all. Well, ya shouldn't have said you wanted cut!!! Ya victim, you!!!!! Bleh...Jenny friggin' sucks, man. Shane's the most loyal best friend of the Group and I'm inclined to agree. The possibility of Shane giving parenthood a try's mentioned and Shane seems down with that. By the way, it's nice to see Peggy getting along with her daughter Helena. A bit of a contrast from Season 2. Shane throws a subtle hint towards Bette and Tina to fix their problems, even if it's for the sake of little Angelica. Alice is the "Best Man" for the wedding as such as she gets to present to Shane from Carmen. The present....God-des & She. They perform a song that would make Luther Campbell proud. Hell, it makes me proud! The moral of the story here is to indeed, "do that pussy right." There must be justice for cats!!!! No, wait.... Bette and Tina say goodnight to each other and Tina says goodnight to Angelica. I guess Bette's keeping her tonight. Tina appears to want to work things out in some amiable sense with Bette. Not that it'll keep the Tina Bashers from doing their thing, but whatever. Look, I'd like for them to be together, too but let's face it...this relationship's more or less screwed at the moment regarldess of circumstance. Suddenly, Bette has a second thought about the whole "trying to get sole custody" thing and leaves a message for Joyce not to send the message to Tina. Alice arrives at Lara's room and Lara wants to have the MUCH NEEDED DISCUSSION!!! But Alice is too scared and thus we're denied. They're both hurting and trying to get through their pain. They're gonna have to talk though. Shane violates protocol by thanking Carmen for her gift. Mr. & Mrs. MacCutcheon walk in and it's quite the way to introduce Gabe to Carmen. Gabe's wearing the same shirt he was wearing about a "week ago" in Oregon City. Father and Daughter are both night owls and go out for a drink. They're alike in good ways and in bad...and that's gonna pay off in a not-so-nice way. Helena, Shane and Bette offer Gabe and Wife a chance to go skiing. They decide to just hang out. Helena, in a moment of weakness offers to help them with whatever they need/want. Alice meets Marilyn and yes, that becomes important. They watch people doing some gliding thing on a rope. Shane and Max are shown snowboarding. Marilyn as it turns out is the Canadian Wedding Official, there to marry Shane and Carmen together. Alice and Marilyn have a chat. Marilyn pays off the Random Act from waaaaaaaaay back to the beginning of Season 3 that started this whole Chart Adventure for 2006 as Marilyn goes over her personal history. She mentions having her heart broken by a lady who fled to London to marry a British guy and how Marilyn wound up in the closet again for a long time. Tina and Hammerin' Henry argue over the idea of Bette getting to adopt. Henry makes it clear that he's going for a Family Utopia and that it'll be impossible if Bette gets to adopt. The fax is in and it appears Joyce didn't get that message from Bette. WHOOPS!!!! THE WAR IS ON!!!! Bette and Helena are on a ski lift together, which is rather remarkable in itself. Nice to see THEM getting along so well. Bette's told about the fax being sent and she freaks out. Helena's Spider Sense begins to go off and oh, it's downhill from here. Poor dear. Bette leaves a message for Tina to "disregard the message." Bette needs a new cellphone. The one she has right now sucks as the messages ain't arriving on time. Alice and Marilyn make vows before doing that rope glide thing whatever it is. Marilyn's gonna have a romantic life again! Good for her. Alice is gonna stop medicating her pain with sex and drugs. Thankfully she's keeping the Rock N' Roll. And she's gonna talk to Lara about feelings. Nothing more than feelings. Later in the evening, Shane walks into a bar and before I make a bad joke about that line, let's focus on what she sees. Her Father...acting like her. Gabe's hooked up with someone else, named Patty. It's just who he is. And he knows that Shane knows what that means. And just like that, Shane gives up. Onto the Wedding...well, attempted one anyway. Peggy says hi to Marilyn and they know each other. Man, talk about a payoff. Peggy was a lesbian once in 1974. Now we know who with!!!! And Peggy did wind up leaving for London to be with a "Brit." And gave birth to Helena. Okay, I think I got all that. I guess that means that Helena's somewhere around 30 years old then, as all the Monarch Slaves sing "Small World." Bette walks in and talks with Tina and War is offiicially declared by both sides. Tina didn't get Bette's message, either. Henry butts in and really, Henry...shut up. Tina doesn't want Bette to adopt and is now seriously considering granting Henry's wish for the Family Utopia, including Angelica. Carmen's walked down the aisle by her Mom. Shane's not there and that should be the sign that's something's wrong!!!!! But in case it isn't clear yet, Alice breaks the news to Carmen. Marilyn breaks the news to the rest of the crowd. Shane done ditched Carmen. In Canada. In the snow. That's just cold!!! Figuretively AND literally. I feel bad for Helena more than anyone. All that money...WASTED! Well, she tried. Later on in the evening, Carmen just wants to go home with her family. It appears a little later on that Bette's there alone. At some random "straight" club as Max takes up for comfortability. Max is an outsider among outsiders. I have no real strong opinion of the French lady. Jenny meanwhile sucks. But I'm sure you knew my feelings on that already, right? I'm sooooo getting hatemail now...eh well. Jenny dances with French Lady and Max watches HELPLESSLY! The next day now as Alice and Lara chat. And just as they're about to get to the important details and "I need to tell you something" from Lara, Tina and Hammerin' Henry interrupt. Peggy and Helena arrive just as Alice mentions Shane's Dad getting 10,000 dollars and ditching his wife, leaving with another woman. Turns out that Helena gave Gabe the money on the pretense that Gabe was gonna spend it on a wedding gift. Helena was lied to and used...again. Peggy decides enough is enough and cuts Helena off financially for her own good. Can't blame Peggy there. It's tough love and now Helena feels lost. Meanwhile, Peggy and Marilyn become the happiest lesbian couple of Season 3!!! Then again, they've only been together for 2 seconds. I think that speaks volumes about how Season 3's gone. By the way, the Love Chart pops up and it reveals that Lara's been with Dana (of course) and Alice (yep), but there's no direct line to Gabby. Odd. Meanwhile, Lara has hooked up with at some point a lady named Maryann. Don't think I know her. Lara's also hooked up at some point with Claybourne, who was the lady that ditched Robin at their wedding (Season 2 flashback, second episode Random Act for referencial understanding). I admit to being just a tad interested in THAT flashback someday. I wonder if Robin knows Lara...hmmmmmm...mysteries of the Love Chart!!! Tina and Henry go back to their room and discover that Angelica's gone. Just a guess, but Angus and Kit probably did the usual babysitting gig 'til Bette arrived. Season 3 ends with Bette kidnapping Angelica. Well THANK GOD they reupped for Season 4, 'cause I'd hate to think that THIS would have been the end of the series otherwise. The Season ends with me needing a beer. Great episode from a storyline and acting standpoint, but my selfishness as a fan wants more, especially a happy ending. I'm sure I'm not alone on that.
Jane Lynch (Joyce Wischnia)
#312 "Left Hand of the Goddess " And so we reach the end of Season 3 and a bunch of drama and cliffhangery stuff. Girlpatch - Smooth Moves Not really a flashback scene, so I'll just call it the "Random Act" like everyone else and yep, it's Alice and Lara. I don't think they talk...they just get over their grief through a very unique means. The song's not that bad, I guess, but I'm rather distracted by "make me bleed." Aaaaaaaand we get the standard L Word intro for possibly the last time. Maria Kliegel & Kristen Merscher - Schubert's Sonata for Arpegione & Piano Classical stuff as Carmen tries to figure out her wedding dress. Sylvia Toscun - Sleepless We get Jenny's retrospect of her wedding night with Tim. And whose fault was that, Jenny!?!?!? More classical stuff and oh, by the way a dig at Tina. Y'know, 'cause heterosexuals are all evil and stuff. *shrug* Natalia Zukerman - Little heart At the Planet as Bette chats with Joyce, then Bette talks with Kit in the bathroom as Kit discovers her apparent pregnancy. Nothin' like a whoops baby to get your day goin'. Candy Ass - Ain't Like You Heheh...Candy Ass... KCRW, where Alice apparently STILL has her radio job!!! Damn, I gotta job at that place. And I have radio experience, so KCRW! Hire me! If you think Alice is something, wait 'til ya see Kace!!! Heather Greene - Hold Me Down Playing dimly in the background while Pinnochio goes skiing and Jenny finds a new screwtoy to ruin, or at least attempt ruining. God knows she has for everyone else she's been with. I'm convinced Jenny's the albatross of this show as she drags down anyone she winds up with, many of which wind up in the Land Of The Dead Marios afterwards. Rockin' lil' tune. Papillion Patterns - On Your Fingertips Group chat for dinner as this plays in the background. Kit and Angus The Mangus Manny Dude talk about Kit's options as he gets the news. Angus is very supportive here. Nice guy, that Angus. God-Des & She - Lick It Performed by the artists on the show and yep, it's the Explicit Version!!! Some like it, some don't. I liked it, so there. White girl rappers keep it real, yo. Wrrrd. Powder Need - A Little Help Rock, baby! Gabriel & Mrs. MacCutcheon decide not to get involved in the whole skiing thing. Y'know, I like Eric Roberts and all, but his involvement pretty much sinks any hope of The L Word having a movie that's released in theatres. Maybe a movie that goes straight to video, but that's it. Lesley Gore - Words We Don't Say Dude, it's LESLEY GORE!!!! Lesley's awesome so hearing one of her songs on here makes me a happy guy. Shane sees her older male version AKA Father hooking up with another girl. Had Shane not stumbled upon this, maybe she wouldn't have freaked out about her genepool and married Carmen. The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra - Handel's Air More classical. Around this time, Nolan Ryan might as well show up and start pitching crap fastballs at a huge fan, 'cause that's what's happening here!!!! Peggy reaquaints herself with Marilyn the wedding official lady, Bette and Tina declare war on each other as Hammerin' Henry butts in...dude, shut up!!! You're THIS CLOSE to getting yer damn utopia! Talking screws that up, so SILENCE! The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra - Pachebel's Canon In D Major And even more classical! Carmen arrives and Shane is going, going gone. I guess this is how Carmen's shuffled off to the Land Of The Dead Marios. Well, Sarah Shahi'll be fun to watch on that Teachers show. Peggy Lee - What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life Kickin' it old school here as Carmen and Mom chat and that's pretty much it for Carmen it appears. I feel bad for Helena more than anyone else on this show...it's that whole road to Hell is paved with good intentions deal. Meanwhile, Jenny senses an opportunity to be the attention whore, because it's everyone else's fault!!!!! I think Max needs to go hang out with Ivan. For those just tuning in, Jenny sucks. Joni Mitchell - All I Want Just imagine if not for the re-up for Season 4, THIS WOULD BE HOW THE L WORD ENDED!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gah... Eh, it's Joni so it's all good as far as the music goes. I wanna thank Jacky and L-Word.com for allowing me to hang out and do these reviews each week. Let's do this again next year! In the meantime, here's to Season 4 bringing some happiness to these characters...especially Alice and Lara. See ya next year! http://mancandy.com - Thursdays, 9 PM Eastern Nowhere To Go Radio: All Women, All Day The Broad & Cast Network
Creative Consultant ADAM RAPP
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Season 3 / Episode 12: LEFT HAND OF THE GODDESS
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