Season 3 / Episode 12: LEFT HAND OF THE GODDESS
Left Hand Of The Goddess Episode Review Of Mass Destruction by Kace Evers
All hopes for forgiveness in advance as this may not be pretty. My style of
review may be a bit different from what you're used to, I don't know.
So sit back and be entertained as I do my best to guide you through the
Season 3 Finale of The L Word!
We get the usual "previously" package that's filled with stuff from previous
Alice and Lara give us the final Random Act of Season 3 with Alice dosing on
Dana's pills. Lara drops in and there's no real conversation, just down n'
dirty with grief makin' with the lovin'. I'm intrigued, aroused and
disturbed all at the same time.
Everyone sing along to The L Word Theme for possibly the final time,
assuming BETTY's not around for Season 4, which may or may not be the case.
I don't care what anyone says, the theme's catchy.
It's after hours at the Planet "six weeks later" as it's revealed that
Helena's funding the whole Shane & Carmen Wedding. Alice and Jenny bring up
that Shane's headed to Oregon City to meet her doner...er....father,
Gabriel. Alice goes to leave and Bette checks to see if she's okay. A nice
feel good hug reminds us that hey, the bonds of friendship are still strong.
The next day...or some day later, Carmen's going through dresses with Alice,
Jenny, Helena and Bette there to help her out. Helena doesn't want
something mentioned to Carmen.
Oregon City we go, as Shane meets Eric Roberts!!! Eric here portrays
Gabriel the Negligent Father Guy. They play catch up on each others' lives
and Shane discovers where she got some of her brutal honesty and promiscuous
behaviour from. Like Father Like Daughter? Looks like it.
Both were thinking of ditching at the last minute.
Back to Carmen's wedding dress tryouts as Jenny sarcastically goes over her
wedding night detail. Good thing she left out that part where earleir in
the day she was caught cheating...but oh yeah, nothing's Jenny's fault
'cause she's a victim. Next up, some verbal jabs at Tina's expense as she's
not there to defend herself. Nice.
Back to Oregon City where Gabriel and Shane talk. More familiarity as
Gabriel talks about losing a close friend, something Shane's gone through
recently with Dana's unfortunate death. Gabriel has a son named Shay, as
opposed to Shane which is what he named his daughter.
At the Planet now as Bette and Joyce go over battleplans for the Bette &
Tina War. War of the Portards!!!! Bette mentions that she's probably going
to take the Art College Dean job. Kit shows up to interrupt and she's
In the Legendary Infamous Planet Bathroom as Kit reveals that in spite of
menopause, she's pregnant and she took quite a few home tests to make sure.
Jenny and Max talk with boring people that Max works with. One of the
others notice it and try to be cordial. But because Jenny's such an
attention whore when the opportunity presents itself, she takes the time to
talk about masturbating when she was 12. To be honest if I were part of
that conversation, I'd consider that a helluvan icebreaker and would
probably want her to go more into detail. Then again, I'm not all that
boring I guess.
Back to Oregon City a little later in the evening as the Family MacCutcheon
gather together to talk over dinner. Mrs. MacCutcheon seems friendly
enough. Shane mentions getting married "next week." Bad hints are thrown,
mentioning how long it took for Gabe to settle down. Shane tells them she's
marrying a female DJ. Apparently Mrs. MacCutcheon called that shot ahead of
time so point for her. They seem supportive, at least so good for them.
Shane invites them to the wedding.
On to KCRW where Alice still has a job, but has been moved to a nightshift
when only the stoners, drunks and lonely are listening. Trust me, it's
true. Alice goes on a nice rant about gay weddings and the hypocrisy of the
"Pro-Family" movement. As she talks, time is fastforwarded a bit as we
head to Canada where right away, it's made clear that Canada = COLD!!!!!
The Group Of Friends arrive at the ski resort hotel thingamagig and discover
Carmen's Family, much to the surprise of Carmen. Peggy's there and Peggy
makes a nice hint during this feel good Kodak Hallmark Moment that it's not
so much Helena funding this baby as it is Peggy. "I guess it grows on
trees." Ahahahaha!!!! Peggy rules. Quite the turnaround, I mean Carmen's
family was steadfast against Carmen being gay and now they're all for her
getting married to another woman. I don't know what Helena told them, but
I'm sure everyone would love to know!
Max goes skiing and Jenny makes nice with some French or French Canadian
skinny 1970's pornstar lookin' gal. I'd like to go over the details, but
it's Jenny and quite frankly I don't care. Long story short, it's a talk
about sex. Yay...another victim for the albatross to drag under!!!
Jenny and...whoever she is smoke cigarettes, discuss writing and have sex.
One thing I like Mia Kirschner is that she goes all out no matter what. I
commend her for that. Considering Jenny's track record however, one would
think that the French lady's headed for the eventual Land Of The Dead Marios
like just about everyone else Jenny's been with.
Bette, Tina and Angelica finish up a sleigh ride in the snow. Bette goes
for a quick guilt trip line about missing Angelica's first step. EVIL!!!
EVIL SHE IS, I SAY!!!! Bette and Tina are getting along for the most part
at least and that's not a bad thing...(pause, big DDP smile)...that's a good
Time for dinner at the hotel/ski resort dinner. The Group Of Friends are
all there except for Carmen. Carmen's been swept away by her family 'cause
of tradition about not seeing who you're marrying and all that.
Meanwhile, Kit breaks the news to Angus that she's pregnant. Angus is happy,
but Kit isn't. So Angus, ever the supportive fella he is makes it clear
that he's there for her, whether she decides to abort or give birth.
I think Max could learn a thing or 2 from Angus.
Alice and Jenny give some roastlike thank you's to Shane. Jenny didn't like
having her hair short after all. Well, ya shouldn't have said you wanted
cut!!! Ya victim, you!!!!! Bleh...Jenny friggin' sucks, man.
Shane's the most loyal best friend of the Group and I'm inclined to agree.
The possibility of Shane giving parenthood a try's mentioned and Shane seems
down with that. By the way, it's nice to see Peggy getting along with her
daughter Helena. A bit of a contrast from Season 2. Shane throws a subtle
hint towards Bette and Tina to fix their problems, even if it's for the sake
of little Angelica. Alice is the "Best Man" for the wedding as such as she
gets to present to Shane from Carmen.
The present....God-des & She. They perform a song that would make Luther
Campbell proud. Hell, it makes me proud! The moral of the story here is to
indeed, "do that pussy right." There must be justice for cats!!!! No,
Bette and Tina say goodnight to each other and Tina says goodnight to
Angelica. I guess Bette's keeping her tonight. Tina appears to want to
work things out in some amiable sense with Bette. Not that it'll keep the
Tina Bashers from doing their thing, but whatever. Look, I'd like for them
to be together, too but let's face it...this relationship's more or less
screwed at the moment regarldess of circumstance.
Suddenly, Bette has a second thought about the whole "trying to get sole
custody" thing and leaves a message for Joyce not to send the message to
Alice arrives at Lara's room and Lara wants to have the MUCH NEEDED
DISCUSSION!!! But Alice is too scared and thus we're denied. They're both
hurting and trying to get through their pain. They're gonna have to talk
Shane violates protocol by thanking Carmen for her gift. Mr. & Mrs.
MacCutcheon walk in and it's quite the way to introduce Gabe to Carmen.
Gabe's wearing the same shirt he was wearing about a "week ago" in Oregon
City. Father and Daughter are both night owls and go out for a drink.
They're alike in good ways and in bad...and that's gonna pay off in a
Helena, Shane and Bette offer Gabe and Wife a chance to go skiing. They
decide to just hang out. Helena, in a moment of weakness offers to help
them with whatever they need/want.
Alice meets Marilyn and yes, that becomes important. They watch people
doing some gliding thing on a rope. Shane and Max are shown snowboarding.
Marilyn as it turns out is the Canadian Wedding Official, there to marry
Shane and Carmen together. Alice and Marilyn have a chat. Marilyn pays off
the Random Act from waaaaaaaaay back to the beginning of Season 3 that
started this whole Chart Adventure for 2006 as Marilyn goes over her
personal history. She mentions having her heart broken by a lady who fled
to London to marry a British guy and how Marilyn wound up in the closet
again for a long time.
Tina and Hammerin' Henry argue over the idea of Bette getting to adopt.
Henry makes it clear that he's going for a Family Utopia and that it'll be
impossible if Bette gets to adopt. The fax is in and it appears Joyce
didn't get that message from Bette. WHOOPS!!!! THE WAR IS ON!!!!
Bette and Helena are on a ski lift together, which is rather remarkable in
itself. Nice to see THEM getting along so well. Bette's told about the fax
being sent and she freaks out. Helena's Spider Sense begins to go off and
oh, it's downhill from here. Poor dear. Bette leaves a message for Tina to
"disregard the message." Bette needs a new cellphone. The one she has
right now sucks as the messages ain't arriving on time.
Alice and Marilyn make vows before doing that rope glide thing whatever it
is. Marilyn's gonna have a romantic life again! Good for her. Alice is
gonna stop medicating her pain with sex and drugs. Thankfully she's keeping
the Rock N' Roll. And she's gonna talk to Lara about feelings.
Nothing more than feelings.
Later in the evening, Shane walks into a bar and before I make a bad joke
about that line, let's focus on what she sees. Her Father...acting like
her. Gabe's hooked up with someone else, named Patty. It's just who he is.
And he knows that Shane knows what that means. And just like that, Shane
Onto the Wedding...well, attempted one anyway. Peggy says hi to Marilyn and
they know each other. Man, talk about a payoff. Peggy was a lesbian once
in 1974. Now we know who with!!!! And Peggy did wind up leaving for London
to be with a "Brit." And gave birth to Helena. Okay, I think I got all
that. I guess that means that Helena's somewhere around 30 years old then,
as all the Monarch Slaves sing "Small World."
Bette walks in and talks with Tina and War is offiicially declared by both
sides. Tina didn't get Bette's message, either. Henry butts in and really,
Henry...shut up. Tina doesn't want Bette to adopt and is now seriously
considering granting Henry's wish for the Family Utopia, including Angelica.
Carmen's walked down the aisle by her Mom. Shane's not there and that
should be the sign that's something's wrong!!!!! But in case it isn't clear
yet, Alice breaks the news to Carmen. Marilyn breaks the news to the rest
of the crowd. Shane done ditched Carmen. In Canada.
In the snow. That's just cold!!! Figuretively AND literally. I feel bad
for Helena more than anyone. All that money...WASTED! Well, she tried.
Later on in the evening, Carmen just wants to go home with her family. It
appears a little later on that Bette's there alone.
At some random "straight" club as Max takes up for comfortability. Max is
an outsider among outsiders. I have no real strong opinion of the French
lady. Jenny meanwhile sucks. But I'm sure you knew my feelings on that
already, right? I'm sooooo getting hatemail now...eh well. Jenny dances
with French Lady and Max watches HELPLESSLY!
The next day now as Alice and Lara chat. And just as they're about to get
to the important details and "I need to tell you something" from Lara, Tina
and Hammerin' Henry interrupt. Peggy and Helena arrive just as Alice
mentions Shane's Dad getting 10,000 dollars and ditching his wife, leaving
with another woman. Turns out that Helena gave Gabe the money on the
pretense that Gabe was gonna spend it on a wedding gift. Helena was lied to
and used...again. Peggy decides enough is enough and cuts Helena off
financially for her own good. Can't blame Peggy there. It's tough love and
now Helena feels lost. Meanwhile, Peggy and Marilyn become the happiest
lesbian couple of Season 3!!! Then again, they've only been together for 2
seconds. I think that speaks volumes about how Season 3's gone.
By the way, the Love Chart pops up and it reveals that Lara's been with Dana
(of course) and Alice (yep), but there's no direct line to Gabby.
Odd. Meanwhile, Lara has hooked up with at some point a lady named Maryann.
Don't think I know her. Lara's also hooked up at some point with
Claybourne, who was the lady that ditched Robin at their wedding (Season 2
flashback, second episode Random Act for referencial understanding). I
admit to being just a tad interested in THAT flashback someday. I wonder if
Robin knows Lara...hmmmmmm...mysteries of the Love Chart!!!
Tina and Henry go back to their room and discover that Angelica's gone.
Just a guess, but Angus and Kit probably did the usual babysitting gig 'til
Season 3 ends with Bette kidnapping Angelica. Well THANK GOD they reupped
for Season 4, 'cause I'd hate to think that THIS would have been the end of
the series otherwise.
The Season ends with me needing a beer.
Great episode from a storyline and acting standpoint, but my selfishness as
a fan wants more, especially a happy ending. I'm sure I'm not alone on
Jane Lynch (Joyce Wischnia)
Lauren Lee Smith (Lara Perkins)
Aidan Jarrar (Shay)
Michael Jansen (Valet)
Shaun Garrett (Jim)
Maria Dimou (Patricia)
Kaaren deZilva (Evi)
Wendy Dawson (Concierge)
Olivia Windbiel (Angelica)
Bruce Dawson (Donald)
Chilton Crane (Tricia)
Aubrey Arnason (Patty)
Isabella Hofmann (Marilyn)
Irene Olga Lopez (Mercedes (Carmen's Mother))
Elodie Bouchez (Claude)
Steven Eckholdt (Henry)
Holland Taylor (Peggy Peabody)
Eric Roberts (Gabriel McCutcheon)
#312 "Left Hand of the Goddess "
And so we reach the end of Season 3 and a bunch of drama and cliffhangery
Girlpatch - Smooth Moves
Not really a flashback scene, so I'll just call it the "Random Act" like
everyone else and yep, it's Alice and Lara. I don't think they talk...they
just get over their grief through a very unique means. The song's not that
bad, I guess, but I'm rather distracted by "make me bleed."
Aaaaaaaand we get the standard L Word intro for possibly the last time.
Maria Kliegel & Kristen Merscher - Schubert's Sonata for Arpegione & Piano
Classical stuff as Carmen tries to figure out her wedding dress.
Sylvia Toscun - Sleepless
We get Jenny's retrospect of her wedding night with Tim. And whose fault
was that, Jenny!?!?!? More classical stuff and oh, by the way a dig at
Tina. Y'know, 'cause heterosexuals are all evil and stuff. *shrug*
Natalia Zukerman - Little heart
At the Planet as Bette chats with Joyce, then Bette talks with Kit in the
bathroom as Kit discovers her apparent pregnancy. Nothin' like a whoops
baby to get your day goin'.
Candy Ass - Ain't Like You
Heheh...Candy Ass... KCRW, where Alice apparently STILL has her radio
job!!! Damn, I gotta job at that place. And I have radio experience, so
KCRW! Hire me! If you think Alice is something, wait 'til ya see Kace!!!
Heather Greene - Hold Me Down
Playing dimly in the background while Pinnochio goes skiing and Jenny finds
a new screwtoy to ruin, or at least attempt ruining. God knows she has for
everyone else she's been with. I'm convinced Jenny's the albatross of this
show as she drags down anyone she winds up with, many of which wind up in
the Land Of The Dead Marios afterwards. Rockin' lil' tune.
Papillion Patterns - On Your Fingertips
Group chat for dinner as this plays in the background. Kit and Angus The
Mangus Manny Dude talk about Kit's options as he gets the news. Angus is
very supportive here. Nice guy, that Angus.
God-Des & She - Lick It
Performed by the artists on the show and yep, it's the Explicit Version!!!
Some like it, some don't. I liked it, so there. White girl rappers keep
it real, yo. Wrrrd.
Powder Need - A Little Help
Rock, baby! Gabriel & Mrs. MacCutcheon decide not to get involved in the
whole skiing thing. Y'know, I like Eric Roberts and all, but his
involvement pretty much sinks any hope of The L Word having a movie that's
released in theatres. Maybe a movie that goes straight to video, but
Lesley Gore - Words We Don't Say
Dude, it's LESLEY GORE!!!! Lesley's awesome so hearing one of her songs on
here makes me a happy guy. Shane sees her older male version AKA Father
hooking up with another girl. Had Shane not stumbled upon this, maybe she
wouldn't have freaked out about her genepool and married Carmen.
The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra - Handel's Air
More classical. Around this time, Nolan Ryan might as well show up and
start pitching crap fastballs at a huge fan, 'cause that's what's happening
here!!!! Peggy reaquaints herself with Marilyn the wedding official lady,
Bette and Tina declare war on each other as Hammerin' Henry butts
in...dude, shut up!!! You're THIS CLOSE to getting yer damn utopia!
Talking screws that up, so SILENCE!
The Royal Philharmonic Orchestra - Pachebel's Canon In D Major
And even more classical! Carmen arrives and Shane is going, going gone. I
guess this is how Carmen's shuffled off to the Land Of The Dead Marios.
Well, Sarah Shahi'll be fun to watch on that Teachers show.
Peggy Lee - What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life
Kickin' it old school here as Carmen and Mom chat and that's pretty much it
for Carmen it appears. I feel bad for Helena more than anyone else on this
show...it's that whole road to Hell is paved with good intentions deal.
Meanwhile, Jenny senses an opportunity to be the attention whore, because
it's everyone else's fault!!!!! I think Max needs to go hang out with
Ivan. For those just tuning in, Jenny sucks.
Joni Mitchell - All I Want
Just imagine if not for the re-up for Season 4, THIS WOULD BE HOW THE L
WORD ENDED!!!!!!!!!!!!! Gah... Eh, it's Joni so it's all good as far as
the music goes.
I wanna thank Jacky and L-Word.com for allowing me to hang out and do these
reviews each week. Let's do this again next year! In the meantime, here's
to Season 4 bringing some happiness to these characters...especially Alice
See ya next year!
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Creative Consultant ADAM RAPP
Producer ELIZABETH ZIFF
Producer AM HOMES
Co-Executive Producer ROSE TROCHE
Executive Producers ROSE LAM, ILENE CHAIKEN
Casting COREEN MAYRS, CSA & HEIKE BRANDSTATTER, CSA
Edited by LISA BINKLEY
Production Designer RICARDO SPINACE
Director of Photography BOB ASCHMANN
Created by ILENE CHAIKEN, KATHY GREENBERG, MICHELE ABBOTT
Written by ILENE CHAIKEN
Directed by ALLISON ANDERS