written by Katey

Lost Weekend, Episode 3.2

The Intro this week showed what I thought was the same women from last week, only this time she was on the prowl for some hot lesbo action in an alley...in Castro...in the 70's! I didn't know it was common practice for women to meet up in back alleys and empty trains for the sake of getting a lil' something, something, but then I'm learning something new every week, aren't I?

Betty....again...

Okay, earth to Moira; next time you want to give Jenny a "prize" for finding the most roadkill, yeah, let's keep ‘razor blades' out of the equation, okay? I mean really...

So, Alice is the one in therapy this week. Okay, good because I was wondering who it was going to be this time. She falls under the "love addiction" category, or some other category befitting a stalker, I don't remember. Anyways, Alice is the one character that could actually benefit from therapy, ya know, considering she's still convinced Dana's coming back to kiss her eyelids. I would have rolled my eyes at this scene but everyone else in the session did it for me, so... "Our love was too intense." We know, honey.

Alice walks out and meets up with Helena on the sidewalk. Helena asks how it went, which leads me to believe she's the one who set it up in the first place. High five, Helena! And it doesn't end there. No, the gifts just keep on coming because she's got another surprise for Alice; nothing big, just a little something to cheer the sad clown up. Alice becomes so excited that she burps the burp to end all burps, "You, you got me a hooker?" Lez Cleaning Service, Alice, but you're not alone...I thought she was a hooker too. Damn! To show her appreciation, Alice hugs Helena and in a very "Tonya" moment, the cleaning lady jumps in to share the love. "Oh, um, okay..." God, I miss Tonya!

Jenny, who is all about killing time on the road starts giving Moira a prize of her own...and then they run out of gas. Yeah, so did I, about 5 miles back! You remembered the coke but you didn't remember to stop for gas? In any event, it was a great opportunity to show that a girl can pee standing up. Something new every week I tell ya...

And we're back at Alice's. This was the best scene of the episode as the Lez cleaning lady who was, well, cleaning, finds the life-size Dana and awkwardly yells out, "What should I do with the...Dana?" Helena then runs in to see what all the fuss is about and, you guessed it, "What is that? Oh, Alice..." BUSTED! A struggle over "The Dana" ensues with Alice pleading her case. "No, come on, It was really hard to get, I had to get it in the middle of the night. You can have the shrine." Sounds like a solid compromise to me. I have to admit, the pink, bondage hood; a personal favorite!

And of course when you totally clean house like that, you're sure to be left with a few things you simply don't need anymore. The right thing to do would be to give them to someone who could really use them; Good Will, the Salvation Army...Dana and Lara... "I didn't have time to wash them." I ask, is there anything worse than an ex lover dumping the sex toys you've shared on a table in front of your new lover? Yeah, I didn't think so. Alice wins again!

Now, no episode would be complete without the token Planet scene, and in this scene we see the girls gathered around talking about Angelica's birthday party, or six month...whatever, the point is Alice and Helena walk in and Alice thinks they're planning a surprise party for her. PAINFUL!! Painful I tell you! But, they manage to get Helena invited so really, how bad could it be?

And as if things couldn't get any worse for these two, Moira/Max and Jenny run into a little more trouble. It seems while Moira/Max was using a ladies room, she offended some little (*&^%$ @#!%$,) because the little (*&^%$ @#!%$,) thought she was just a guy in the wrong bathroom; until Moira/Max told her she was a girl. The (*&^%$ @#!%$,) then tells her friends outside that "that" was just in the bathroom with her, and they start throwing shade, but Vigilante Jenny isn't having it. As Showtime's opinion of Middle America rips Moira/Max from the truck, Jenny grabs the stun-gun from the glove box and does her best Charles Bronson. The kid releases Moira/Max, but that's not good enough; nope, Vigilante Jenny tasered him anyway. That'll teach him to call her a faggot. She's a dyke, you idiot!

Kit hired a new club promoter for the Planet and although his presence might be of value later, I just found the whole "Viva Las Vegas" scene a waste of time. Yes, I suppose he could be considered outrageous, what with the whole corset and feathers and "Lesbian's don't want to talk about the C, they want to praise the P," thing, but it's nothing I haven't seen before, granted, your mileage may vary. It did, however, serve as a way to show how Kit's son, Melvin Junior...I mean, David, really feels about the gay lifestyle. "You've turned your once respectable establishment into a freak show." Now, why does his opinion matter anyway? Oh, I see...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

In the next scene, we see them playing roulette and because Bette doesn't have any money, Shane comes to the rescue with a stack of chips. Bette's all, "Oh no, I couldn't," but Shane's all, "No, really, I want you to have them." Jeez...What the hell has become of our Bette Porter, huh? No money of her own to throw down? The only thing that pulled me out of that hole was Alice throwing Dental Dam's at Dana and Lara. "Thank...thank you." Hey, safety first!

Later that night, Bette can't sleep because she's worried sick. She tells Tina that she's scared; she's scared she won't be able to adopt Angelica; she's scared she won't be able find a job and she's scared they'll lose the house. Finally, this chick opens up and starts sharing her feelings and what does Tina do? Well, alright, she didn't snore, but she might as well have, because really....

Oh, okay, now it's becoming clear why David's earlier opinion mattered. The social worker shows up again and at the last minute, Bette informs David they need him to represent a positive male influence in Angelica's life. Of course David waits until the social worker is in the house before he pulls out his collapsible soap box. "I don't believe in your lifestyle so therefore I can't..." Ya know, Kit was right, you are an arrogant little *&^$*&!!! But, at least you have respect for the government!

Jenny and Moira/Max find a small town gay bar...blah, blah, blah, blah...and then Shane reluctantly models last week's dress for Carmen. "You look like you're five." Poor Shane; but Carmen cheers her up by whispering ‘sweet Spanish nothings' in her ear. Now, I can't tell you what she actually said, but I will tell you that it worked for me cuz I was smiling till the credits rolled!

Cut to Alice and Helena, now arriving at the "party." Alice is still convinced that the party is for her, even when the 4 year old answers the door and asks if she's the clown. PAINFUL!! Just painful! It isn't until she looks around that she realizes it is in fact a party for Angelica. PAINFUL!! Just painful! But, I said that already. "And yes, I am the clown." Seriously, I wanted to crawl under the couch!

And without further adieu..."Oh, everybody, this is Carmen's Chane, wearing my dress..." I just love Mrs. Morales! Shane, now in dress with matching cha-cha heels, shows up at the beauty salon where Carmen's family is getting ready to party. They love the dress on Chane, but her hair still needs a little work. Woops, watch your step there, Shane, ha, those cha-cha's require a little practice, buddy.

Back at the Painful Pity Party where Helena reminds Bette and Tina that it's Alice's birthday too. Feeling bad, AS THEY SHOULD HAVE, they manage to scrawl Alice's name under Angelica's on the cake. Pathetic! But, it's about time, ladies! Sheesh! Ya know, I always preferred Peggy, but that Helena is doing a fine job!

Cut to the Morales Party, already in progress. The camera pan's in on a girl with long brown hair... why it's Shane... with extensions! Mrs. Morales, seeing Shane in all her misery, brings over a stud for her to dance with. Awkward! Until Carmen cuts in and tells Shane that its okay for girls to dance together in the Spanish community (Yet another reason to love the Spanish) and Shane tells her she "owes" her for this. No, no Shane, she owes US! Catch my drift?

Cut to Dana and Lara taking a bath. Woo Hoo! Well, not really because they had to go and bring up that lump business again. Buzz-kill! Apparently, Dana blew off another appointment but promises she'll talk to Tina and Bet....I'm sorry, I can't, I have to move on...tears, girls, tears.

Alright, real quick because I want to get to the good stuff. Jenny demands wall sex from Moira/Max. Wall sex, wall sex, wall...now where have I heard...?

Okay, the good stuff... Not one to break a promise, Carmen decides it's officially time to make up for all that ‘dress business.' Oh goody! She flips on some mood music and the lap-dance begins. Thank you, Jesus! Now, they're just about to get...... OH, DAMN YOU JENNY!! What's that you say you're coming home? Wonderful, outstanding, can't wait to see you, (ZZZZZZZzzzzzzz). Okay, now we can get back to.... wait, what, no more lap...dance? DOUBLE DAMN YOU JENNY!! And Carmen was just about to make it all up to us... I mean, ya know, Shane.

Well, I might as well revisit the Buddhist crap; I know, it hurts me too. While Bette resorts to sharing her feelings with a total stranger, we see arms typing at a keyboard. They cut back and forth for dramatic effect as they pan the camera up, but we know what's coming. After all, we read the spoilers, didn't we, girls?

Tina, you dirty dog! Cybering it up with a man on the down-low while your woman's out becoming a Buddhist? Tsk, tsk. You should be ashamed of yourself. Now, I don't know about you, but I'd like to know who was holding Angelica while Lindsey76 was busy making a name for herself on the World Wide Web! Ha, unbelievable...

That concludes The L Word, episode 3.2, Lost Weekend recap.