written by Katey

Dammit, ‘L word’…I wish I knew how to quit you!

Episode 1 of season 3 is now officially a notch on our lesbian belts, so, what did we get? 

Well…the opening vignette shows us a group of women looking at their vaginas, in kind of a “hey, just getting to know me!” type party, you know, formally introducing themselves to the little lady downstairs.  Of course it all leads to a hot and heavy seduction scene in the kitchen, but that’s usually how those parties end anyway. 

Oh joy…Betty…

Okay, so its six months later and they open with Alice doing a little recapping of her own.     She’s explaining what’s happened to her relationship with Dana over the last six months, and conveniently using her radio show to do it.  I knew that gig would come in handy someday.   Apparently Dana has gone back to Lara seeking “closure,” but our little Alice knows the real deal.  Or does she?   Seriously, she’s so hopped up on whatever the hell it is she’s taking that quite frankly I don’t know what she knows. 

We then cut to Bette and Tina handing out invitations for Angelica’s “half year” birthday party at some school or whatever?  The kid is SIX MONTHS OLD for the love of...   In any event, it’s obvious there’s some tension brewing already between these two as Tina invites the father of another child to the party.   When Bette questions the invite, Tina’s head spins around three times and pea soup flies out of her mouth!  Well, she’s tired.  Angelica’s a handful.

Cut to Helena, who is having her tarot cards read because rich people have way too much time on their hands.  The “reader” tells her that she will be purchasing a movie studio, which ironically enough, she is, so Helena thinks she’s on the up and up.   We see her hang on every word as the “cards” then take a rather vague turn in describing the future love of her life.  They tell her they’ll be back to back and face to face, she’s bisexual, naturally brunette, and she drives a blue car.  Hmm, now who could that…moving right along…

Ever since the, oh, I don’t know, “shaving” incident, (wink!) Jenny has been living back in “Skokie,” where she just graduated therapy with flying colors.  The doctor himself told her that there is nothing wrong with her lifestyle and that could only mean one thing….it’s Shul time!   You’d think Ma Jenny would be thrilled, but when Jenny delivers the good news, “If he said that, than he’s just as sick as you are,” is what she gets.  Now I don’t know about you, but I think I just found out where Jenny gets her charm.

Later she heads out to the bars and that’s where we meet Moira for the first time.  Moira is an IT professional who happens to be sitting on a little good news of her own.   That’s right, she’s coming to Weho.  I wonder how well Moira really knows Jenny.   Never one to pass up a good time, Jenny asks Moira if she wants to do the love dance back at her house and Moira’s all, “Heck yeah,” but Jenny wants to wait until her parents are asleep.  So considerate, that Jenny…well, until her love cries wake up the house and Warren tells them to get the “L” out.   They do eventually leave, but not without Jenny “laying down the law,” first.  “Because when you don’t talk about them, they get worse, Warren.”  

I don’t know about you, but I for one think that therapy paid off!  And speaking of therapy…

Now I know it’s a shocker, but Jenny isn’t the only one on the road to emotional health and well being.  Not to be upstaged, Bette and Tina are back in therapy, too.   Now I don’t mind the occasional therapy session for the sake of moving the story along; it is after all a show about lesbians.   If they didn’t introduce a therapist every now and then, their storylines would turn into West Hollywood’s version of War and Peace.   But a “Sex” therapist this time around; what happened, Foxworthy wouldn’t wear the clown’s nose? 

To be perfectly honest, I wasn’t at all put off by the “clowny sexpert,” or her self help cabinet, or even that fact that she did indeed wear a clown’s nose.  No, I was put off by the fact that Tina wouldn’t spend $39.99 for some sexual chocolate paint because it was, her words not mine, “Too Expensive.”  Yeah, okay, hi, Bette’s an artist; you’re an empty canvass…see how it works?  You can always cancel Angelica’s party if money is an issue, sweetie.

Okay, this is where it gets a little sad for me.  The girls, minus Alice, are already hanging out at the Planet when Bette and Tina arrive.  They start coming up with different words for…ya know, down there, when Alice, who has taken way more than the suggested dose of Ritalin, walks up behind Dana and out’s her favorite descriptive, “Peepers.”  “Touch my peepers, Al.”   I thought the scene was really funny, especially “Say hello to Auntie Alice,” but I couldn’t help but feel bad for her, especially when Dana and Lara took off like a bat out of hell.  “You win, Al.” 

Alice manages to get herself to yoga class where her yoga partner in crime these days is….Helena?  Hey, a lot can happen in six months.  Alice spends the entire work out crying over Dana while Helena….ya know, I really wish I remembered more about the scene, I do, but Alice’s hair clip keeps getting in the way.  Really, they could have named it, given it a couple lines here and there.  Wow!

Later Alice sees Dana driving next to her and a chase ensues.  “F*** You,” appears to be Alice’s favorite term of endearment as she weaves in and out of traffic in hot pursuit of the lezzy tennis player.  The funniest part of the scene, besides Alice’s “potty mouth,” is when Dana calls her on her cell phone to ask if she’s crazy, and Alice takes another call.  I laughed so hard when she started thinking back to childhood and in her haze, lost Dana at a red light.  That’s probably why I need a tissue for what happened next …

I’ll start by telling you that only three things have moved me to tears in this little lifetime of mine.   1.) Victoria Secret’s annual 2 for one sale, 2.) Patty Lupone’s version of “Don’t Cry for Me Argentina, and 3.)  Lara finding a lump in Dana’s breast.   Nope, I won’t do it.   I just can’t…not here, not now.  Moving right along…

Folks, we have ourselves a closet case!  Carmen brings Shane over to meet her family, but her family doesn’t know that she’s gay which means that Shane has to pretend that she’s straight.  Got all that?   It seems to work, too, because as Carmen pointed out, her family wouldn’t talk about it even if they suspected.  It was pretty funny though, especially when Carmen’s mother asks Shane if she’s a hairdresser and when Shane cops to it, she asks who does her hair.  “It’s the bomb.” 

As a welcoming gift into the family, Carmen’s mother gives Shane a dress.  She leaves the room so Carmen can help her put it on and as they’re about to get it on, Mrs. Morales walks in SHOCKED by what she sees.  No, not that…the dress!   Still moving…

It turns out that Bette and Tina’s sex life, or lack thereof, isn’t the happy couple’s only cause for concern these days.   Bette and Tina are also a little tense because an adoption social worker will be stopping by the house to evaluate whether or not Bette legally qualifies to be Angelica’s “other Mommy.”   Whew.  Now before I go any further, let me just say that the social worker ends up being my favorite part of the episode.  She turns out to be one sassy, wheel chair bound, little firecracker!

B&T:  “Oh, we never put her down; we’re practicing attached parenting.”

SW:  “Well I believe that whatever is attached can become detached, now put the kid down before you drop me!”

Now as it turns out, they’ve not only given Angelica’s crib away, they’ve also neglected to childproof the place because childproofing is “ugly.”  Yeah, so is one eye on a baby, ladies!

Things start to get really awkward when Mama B and Mama T are then asked about Papa Q.   The social worker seems to get lost in a pool of her own longing as she rattles off a perverse list of things that she….I mean, Angelica, will miss out on if a man isn’t around to show her…and then Alice tears into the driveway and smashes her car.  “Where the F*** did that come from?”

“Um, I’m the Earth Mother, it would have been Godmother but I don’t believe in God.  It was Mama B’s idea.”

“Of course it was.”

Priceless!

Oh yeah, and Kit’s in menopause.   That concludes The L Word, episode 1, season 3 recap.