Season 2/ Episode 10, "Land Ahoy"
||: Ilene Chaiken
||: Tricia Brock
||: Click Here
||: Click Here
by Stacy Turner
The opening scene shows women sitting around on a cruise ship listening to
a woman playing music. One of the women, who is later introduced as Phoebe
Sparkle, seems to be captivated by the woman. When the woman is done playing
a song Phoebe gives her a standing ovation. We then see random shots of the
two women having sex at various locations on the cruise ship.
Mark is in bed laying next to a woman. It cuts to his computer screen which
is showing Jenny saying a bunch of sexual things. Mark runs over to the computer
and turns it. He then goes to Jenny’s room and finds Jenny without her
shirt on and she has written “Is this what you want” on her chest
and stomach. Mark tells her that she has everything wrong and that he was
just doing it for his documentary. He then sees one of his cameras in her
room and she says that she is going to use it now. He also discovers that
she has the tape of Carmen confessing that she likes Shane. Mark continues
to apologize and Jenny interrupts him and asks him if he has any sisters.
He says yes and she tells him to ask them about a time that they were intruded
upon by a man. Mark says that they might not have been and Jenny says that
every women has been at one time, maybe not as extreme as herself though.
Mark then tells her that he is going to take all the cameras down and tell
Shane and Carmen, but Jenny says no. She tells him that she doesn’t
want to ruin their vacation and she will decide when he can take the cameras
Kit is at the Planet working and Benjamin shows up with flowers. He asks
her if she can go to lunch but she says that she is too busy. He then asks
her if they can go to dinner and have breakfast in bed the next day and she
Alice is doing her radio show and her special guest is Dana. While Alice
is talking about how Dana was invited to speak on the Olivia Cruise Dana keeps
interrupting her. Alice is visibly annoyed by Dana but continues with her
Jenny is looking at a bunch of pictures of her family and videotaping herself.
She begins to ask questions to various members of her family and then there
is a knock on the door. Carmen enters and sees that Jenny is busy and tells
her that she can come back later. Jenny tells Carmen to come in and that she
is just working on a project. Carmen asks Jenny if she has packed for the
cruise and Jenny tells her that she doesn’t want to go.
Tina is trying on dresses for an award ceremony that she is going to later.
Helena makes her try on a dress and tells Tina that she wants to buy it for
her. Tina tells her that the dress is $5000 and she doesn’t want to
show up in something like that. She then tells Helena that kind of money can
be spent on something better than a dress. Helena tells Tina that she personally
donates a lot of money every year, and she doesn’t think that Tina should
tell her how to spend her money. Helena makes it clear that it would make
her very happy if Tina would let her buy that dress for her. Tina says yes,
and as she is looking in the mirror Helena tells her that she invited Bette.
Shane is walking toward her room and she hears her name being called from
Jenny’s room. She goes inside and Carmen tells her that Jenny doesn’t
want to go on the cruise anymore. Shane tells her that she has to go but Jenny
tells her that she is working on an important project. Shane tells her that
if Jenny doesn’t go them she isn’t going. Carmen says that she
wont go if they wont go and Dana and Alice are going to be mad cause no one
would show up. Jenny starts to smile and then says that she will go because
she doesn’t want to feel guilty.
Alice and Dana are packing for their trip. While Dana is going through a
list of things that they need to bring Alice is giving Dana the silent treatment.
Dana notices this and asks Alice what’s wrong. Alice tells her that
she felt like Dana was interrupting her on her show and it bothered her because
it was her gig. Dana apologizes to Alice and the two kiss and make up. Dana
tells her that she is just really nervous about the cruise and that she is
afraid that she might get seasick. Alice tells her not to worry because she
is going to be there to take care of her. The topic of the show the Love Boat
also gets brought up and we find out that Dana use to have a crush on one
of the people on the show.
Shane is packing for the cruise and Mark walks in. He tells her that he did
something bad but he can’t tell her what. She says that he is being
really intense and cryptic and looks really confused as to why he is apologizing.
He says that she’ll find out later but he just wanted to let her know
that he is her friend.
Alice, Dana, Carmen, Jenny, and Shane all arrive at the airport in a limo.
The girls are discussing whether or not two characters on the Love Boat were
having an affair on the show. When they get all their luggage out of the car,
Alice makes a comment about how happy she is that no one has to check luggage
in. Dana tells her that she has to check one bag in and Alice gets upset because
Dana is going to hold everyone else up if she doesn’t carry it on with
her. Dana says that it is too heavy and Alice offers to switch bags with her
but Dana says no. Alice walks off and Dana walks after her and trips while
calling for Alice.
Bette goes and picks her father up from a hotel. She tells him that it is
a nice surprise to see him. She then explains to him what they are going to
do for the rest of the day which includes going to lunch with one of Bette’s
old professors. They get into the car and Bette tells her father that the
professor that they are going to meet with was the one who inspired her to
get into the arts.
The girls are going through security at the airport. One of the security
officers calls Shane over and begins to wand her. Dana puts her bag through
the X-ray machine and seems very nervous. When she walks through the metal
detector she reaches for her bag, but the guy operating the machine pulls
the bag back in. He calls the other security officer over and they both look
at a strange object that is showing up on the screen. They start to take all
the stuff out of Dana’s bag and she looks very nervous. The security
guard pulls out a strap on dildo and has a confused look on his face. Alice
grabs it from him and positions it on herself where it goes to give him a
visual. He then pulls something else out and Alice explains that they are
nipple clamps. Alice looks at Dana and asks when she bought those and they
both smile. The female security guard tells the girls that they can’t
bring them on the plane and she puts them in her pocket. Dana gives the woman
a dirty stare and then they are allowed to repack their stuff and leave.
Bette, her father, and her former professor are all looking at a painting.
Bette’s father starts to give his interpretation of it and refers to
faith. The professor then starts to discuss her feelings about the painting
and basically disagrees with him. He winds up leaving and Bette finds him
wandering the halls. She takes him into her office and they begin talking
about why he left Bette’s mother. Bette changes the subject and talks
about dinner reservations. Bette’s father asks if she can invite Kit
to join them and she says she will ask, but her boyfriend is in town. He says
that he can come along also, and Bette mentions that he hasn’t mentioned
Tina yet. Bette’s father says that she can come also, but Bette tells
him that they broke up.
The girls are all boarding the boat. Alice spots Phoebe Sparkle, a well known
sex therapist that is also speaking on the ship. Once they get on the boat
Dana is greeted by numerous fans that want autographs. Alice walks off by
herself and finds two men dressed in uniforms. She introduces herself and
then whispers a request into one of the men’s ears. He tells her yes
and she walks away looking very satisfied.
Carmen, Shane, and Jenny all walk into a little room with one bed. Jenny
says that they can all share the same bed and Carmen can sleep in the middle.
Jenny leaves the room to explore and Shane says Jenny is acting even more
strange than usual.
Alice and Dana enter their room. Dana sets her stuff on the bed while Alice
walks over to some flowers and reads the card. They are from the Olivia Cruise
and they thank Dana and her friends for joining them. Alice also says that
they mentioned something about herself thanking her for mentioning them on
her show. Dana says that’s nice of them, but Alice admits that she made
the last part up.
Dana is speaking on the guest panel. A fan stands up and asks Dana to marry
her. The fans start cheering and Dana laughs. She tells the girl that she
is flattered but she is in a committed relationship. Phoebe Sparkle then mentions
how Dana and her partner probably know how to spice things up in the bedroom
and Dana blushes. They say that there is time for one last question, and Jenny
asks Ms. Sparkle what she thinks about three ways. Carmen and Shane both look
at each other and know that there is something strange going on with Jenny.
Bette and her father are out at a restaurant talking. Bette mentions that
Tina is going to be honored the next day . As they are talking Kit and Benjamin
show up. While they are eating Benjamin mentions Kit’s business and
her father is eager to hear about it. During their conversation he makes a
few strange noises and excuses himself from the table.
Jenny, Carmen and Shane are all dancing. Jenny kisses Carmen and then makes
Shane and Carmen kiss each other. Once they are done they both look confused
and Shane walks away while Jenny and Carmen dance. Shane goes outside for
a smoke and it looks like she is thinking about something.
Bette, Kit and their father all meet at the Planet. Their father asks where
Benjamin is and Kit says that he is at his hotel. Their father starts questioning
as to why he doesn’t live in LA and Bette interrupts and says that it’s
because he likes to get away. She then excuses herself and tells Kit to come
with her. While they are away from their father Bette tells Kit that she can’t
tell him that Benjamin is married, and she agrees. Once they get back to the
table their father suggest that Kit and he have dinner at the Planet. He tells
her that Bette has prior engagements with Miss Kennard. Bette gets upset and
says that her name is Tina, and that he has known her long enough to know
her name. Their father changes the subject and asks if Benjamin can join them.
Bette grabs her stuff and says that she is going to leave. Her father asks
what is wrong and she tells him that until he can see that her relationship
with Tina is as meaningful as the one that he had with her mother then she
has nothing else to say.
Dana and Alice go down to the pool area. Once they walk down the stairs fans
begin swarming Dana again and talking with her. Alice walks over to Phoebe
Sparkle and introduces herself. Alice says that she is doing research for
her radio show and wants to know if it’s true that she sleeps with a
different women every night. Phoebe says that she likes to have as much sex
as possible, but if the right girl came along she might settle down. As they
are talking Shane walks up and asks Alice a question. Phoebe looks at Shane
and asks her if she can buy her a drink, and Shane says yes. It cuts to Jenny
who is dancing around by the pool with a few girls and then gets in the water
with her clothes on. Carmen is walking by and sees Jenny and looks at her
with a strange look on her face.
Alice and Dana walk back into their room. Alice disappears into the bathroom
and returns holding a captains uniform. She walks over to Dana and puts the
captains hat on her and tells her she looks hot. We cut to see Dana in full
Captains outfit adjusting the strap on that she is wearing under her pants.
She tells Alice that she is ready and Alice appears dressed as the girl from
the Love Boat that Dana had a crush on. They do a little role playing and
after Dana pushes Alice on the bed and gets on top of her there is a knock
at the door. Someone from the cruise tells Dana that it is dinner time and
they have to go now. Dana tells her that she needs to get dressed but the
girl says that she looks cute and drags her out the door. Dana calls for Alice
and Alice runs after her.
Alice and Dana show up to dinner in their outfits. When they sit down Alice
puts her hand on Dana’s lap and starts rubbing what’s in Dana’s
pants. Dana grabs a napkin and covers her lap. At another table Jenny and
Carmen are discussing why Jenny has been acting strange lately. Carmen tells
Jenny that she think that Jenny wants them to have a three way with Shane.
Jenny tells her that she just thinks that they should explore their options.
Tina and Helena show up at the award ceremony. Tina looks over and sees Bette
and excuses herself from Helena. She walks over to Bette and tells her that
she has been thinking about what had happened between them a lot. She wants
to start spending more time with Bette and date her, but she says that she
isn’t going to break up with Helena.
The girls are all watching Shawn Colvin performing on the ship. When the
song is over Alice asks Dana what they are going to do about the hard on that
she has been sporting all night. Dana says that they can’t leave yet
because it’s rude. Alice whines and it looks like Dana gives into her
wants. We see Alice and Dana in their room still role playing. The two are
getting into it and Dana stops and runs to the bathroom to throw up because
her sea sickness has kicked in. Alice goes and helps her.
Shane and Phoebe Sparkle go into her room and they fall on the bed. They
look at each other and start to laugh. Shane asks if she can just sleep on
her couch and Phoebe says yes. She asks Shane not to tell anyone that they
didn’t have sex and Shane agrees.
Kit, her father and Benjamin are all having dinner at the Planet and Kit’s
father collapses. Benjamin catches him and an ambulance is called. Bette receives
a call from Kit telling her about their father and tells her to meet them
at the hospital. When Bette leaves Tina is presented with her award. When
Tina goes onstage and notices that Bette is missing she looks concerned.
Shane, Jenny, and Carmen all return from the cruise and find Mark taking
down cameras. He explains that Jenny had found a tape of them and didn’t
say anything because she didn’t want to ruin their trip. Jenny hands
the tape to Carmen and then walks away. Carmen follows Jenny into her room
and tells her that she wants to be with her. Jenny tells her that she knows
that she only dated her to get closer to Shane and Jenny is ok with that.
Shane is outside looking at all the tapes and she looks upset. She walks up
to Mark and looks at him for a few seconds and then punches him and starts
Charles S. Dutton
including Scene by Scene breakdown (coming soon) by Kace of What
the L Radio!)
Quick note before we begin: For all the Mark Bashers out there. Just
remember, if he was really a scumbag, he would've defended himself against
Jenny at the start of the show. And this Jenny shoulda been around a year
ago. Seriously. Okay then, ON WITH THE MUSIC!
Social Deviantz "Salaam"
Playing in the background at The Planet as Kit receives flowers from
Benjamin. It's there, let's move on.
Jenny talks to herself in front Mark's camera. The music stops when Carmen
arrives. Again, it's there...let's move on.
Bull Moose Jackson "Big Ten Inch Record"
Plays as we have fun at Airport Security. Love the big band sound.
Quick Score Note: "The Lez Boat" is a catchy, fun theme and the
Kate Pierson of the B-52's is helping with the vocals makes it even
catchier. Some disagree, but that's fine. I think The Lez Boat would make
for a fun comedy series. But that's just me...
Chris Gestrin "BE '62"
Piano jazz that plays as Bette, Kit, Daddy and Kit's boyfriend have a
restaurant. Good to eat at restaurants to...probably good to have steamy
sex to as well, but that's just a guess on my part. Anyone wanting to test
whether or not that's true, feel free.
Grandadbob "Let's Sick On The Decks"
And now for a complete change of pace on the LEZZZZ BOAT!! Club mix stuff
as Jenny, Carmen and Shane dance, kiss and mindscrew one another. This
leads to Shane going away for some quiet time.
Panurge "Erectangle Suite"
Back at the Planet the next morning as the Porter Family chit chat. I like
the title of the song if nothing else. Bette's not giving up on Tina, in
case anyone didn't know.
Le Tigre "On The Verge"
Available on the Season 2 Soundtrack and a fun song to boot. Then again,
just about anything by Le Tigre's fun to listen to, s'far as I can tell.
Playing as Jenny goes crazy in the swimming pool at the LEZZZZZ
BOAT...dun-dun-dunnnnn..... By the way, fun moment as that same "Near
over Jennifer Capriati" Dana had is referenced, flashing me back to Tim
mentioning it in the Pilot episode. Call me crazy, but I miss Tim. The
only guys on the ship are the ones that work there.
Allison Miller "Shadows Reflection"
More light jazzy stuff as Bette, Tina and Helena do storyline forwarding.
Shawn Colvin "Sunny Came Home"
Okay, this is a Live Performance from the cruise itself by Shawn. She has
other songs, y'know...strange but true! But let's face it, if she's only
gonna be known for one song, it might as well be a good one and this
certainly is one. You can find the original (LONG VERSION) on the Season 2
Soundtrack. Now, we just need to pair her up with Slim Daddy and see what
Tony Salvatore "Arabesque"
Back at the Bette, Tina & Helena storyline forwarding dinner as the
classical guitar sound plays on.
Joystick "Givin It To You"
Ah yes, JOYSTICK in the house as Shane does something that's both
UnShanelike and Shanelike at the same time. Joystick always works for me.
Amazing Stranger "Restaurant Jazz 7"
Plays as Ossie Davis shows that sometimes, Life and Art tend to overlap
each other way too well. Considering his fate in real life, the scene's
kinda eiree to watch. The song meanwhile is pretty much what it claims,
Mark gets a right cross by Shane to complete this very messed up episode
and that's that.
Previews: "Loud and Proud," Episode #2.11
Yahoo TV: Secrets about Dana's brother and Jenny's past
come out; Bette and Kit deal with their father's health.
SHO: Against the backdrop of a gay-pride parade, shocking
secrets are revealed about Dana's brother and Jenny's past; Bette and Kit
deal with their rapidly deteriorating father.
TV Guide: During a gay pride parade, a secret about Jenny
and Dana's brother is revealed; Bette and Kit pull together as their father's
health grows worse.