Season II Recap by Katey

PART 1

In a nutshell:

Tina was now on her own and somehow managed to get herself pregnant, Bette was still sleeping with Candace and Dana was going forward with her wedding to Tonya.  Tim moved away, Bette became a drunk and Shane decided to move in with the newly “solo” Jenny.  Alice was knitting, Bette was having a hard time at work and Kit was trying desperately to buy the Planet.  Marina???  Oh, she killed herself twice, attempted suicide three times and apparently flew back to Milan to resume the life of a married, Contessa.  Makes sense to me.  The highlights…

Bette, Tina and Helena

First, the season opened with a great shot of Tina undressing, which under any other circumstance would have been a kick ass way to start off the new season, but…

Oh boy.  Okay, so Tina’s obviously pregnant and that’s all fine and good, but how and when did that happen?  Not an unreasonable question to ask considering the last time we saw her she was having a biting contest with Bette and winning!   Was it a drunken one night stand, a lazy Sunday morning with a turkey baster, Immaculate Conception?  Is that going to be this season’s “twist,” guessing who the father is?  Why, I can’t wait to…

Dr. Wilson inseminated her during the nine month hiatus while our backs were turned?   (ZZZZzzzz)   Whatever, so where’s Bette? 

Ah, there she is, rolling around on the Martha Stewart’s with the Carpenter.  She seemed happy until she actually saw Candace, which is usually the first sign of a doomed relationship by the way.  “Where did you go just now?”  Don’t worry, Candace, none of us know.  Last time we saw her she was having a biting contest with Tina and losing!  We’re just as confused as you are.

I think it’s safe to say we were pretty much kept in “what the?” mode the entire season when it came to these two.  You’d think at some point they would have at least addressed the “Candace” thing, ya know, beyond the table toss and passive aggressive “carpenter” nod, delivered via Tinalite in the finale.  But sadly we were never given much dialog regarding the cheating.  Nope, instead they milked it for every dramatic angle they could find.

We watched Bette lose Tina, get sued by Tina, have sex with Tina, and then get back together with Tina.  No, seriously, in that order and the sad part is I’m not leaving much out.  But the ultimate slap to Bette’s face came in the form of Helena Peabody; Tina’s rebound girlfriend and daughter to the one and only Peggy.  Tonya was right; you really don't step out on a woman like Tina for somebody who hammers planks for a living.  Hormonal or not, that Tina is one manipulative lady when she doesn’t get her way.

Tina had apparently put in for some grant or whatever, to help some children’s charity?   Okay, busted, I wasn’t paying much attention; the point is Bette had put in for the same grant to fund some art exhibit.  I mean really, do you care about all that?   The bottom line is Tina was the one who got the money and in comes Helena Peabody, lesbian extraordinaire, who not only travels with her own camera crew, she just so happens to have a thing for really pregnant women.  Not too contrived.

Bette gets angry because she thinks Tina stole the money right out from under her and when she goes to apologize for her earlier attitude, uh oh, you guessed it, Helena’s mackin on Tee!   Well, not really, but that Bette’s one smart cookie, she knows what’s coming.  

Bette: Don't do it, Tina, that woman will eat you alive. She is a vampire.

See what I mean? 

There are a lot of sexual scenes between Helena and Tina, including a great pool scene that really wouldn’t have been anything special if it weren’t for Laurel Holloman showing her pregnant self to the camera.  Hey, pregnant women are sexual beings, they have sex too.  Believe me if we didn’t get it before, we all get it now.

On the Bette front, we see her suffer throughout; spending the majority of the season trying to convince Tina that she deserves a second chance for her past indiscretions.   There’s a drunken one night stand with a woman half her age, but that was pretty much the extent of Bette’s midlife, probably because she was way too busy doing the dead man’s float, crashing her car, taking care of her dying father, and losing her job. 

Tina eventually starts to feel “kept” as opposed to “loved” by the conniving Helena and begins making her way back to Bette’s folded arms.  Play time is over and since she is about to have her baby, she just wants to be a family again, damn it!  She does have the baby in the finale, but not without an overly dramatic delivery, of course.  Oh come on, you didn’t think it would be easy did you?   Despite the dramatics, mother and child were both doing fine the last time I saw them and where people usually pass out cigars, Bette passed out the baby. 

Shane, Jenny, Carmen and Mark

Alright, so Shane and Jenny are living together in the same house that Jenny had once shared with Tim, not, what, a week ago?  In any event, they’re now roommates.   Jenny, who thought she might be bisexual last season has decided with the help of Gene, that she is a “full on lesbian.”   

Finally making friends with the fact that two unemployed people can’t afford to pay rent, they bite the bullet and decide to interview a series of potential roommates.   One by one we’re introduced to a parade of freaks, each personality becoming more and more ridiculous until finally, just as the girls are about to throw in the towel, Mark show’s up, just a normal guy who has dreams of becoming a documentary film maker.   Shane’s not digging him but Jenny relates to his “struggling artistic side,” so she picks him to move into the shack out back.  Can’t you just see where this is going?  

Shane, well, being Shane, starts blowing off the new girl, Carmen, only to officially call it off when Jenny plants the bug in her ear that she finds Carmen attractive.  Feeling bad for Jenny, Shane encourages the relationship by gently pushing Carmen into spending time with her.  Mark, being what Showtime apparently considers the stereotypical male, becomes more and more obsessed with lesbianism and Shane’s lesbianism in particular, so he decides that his new documentary will be about, you guessed it, lesbians.  Wow, our own television show and now this?  Is it my birthday?

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